Tension

I have mentioned before that I have distant Jewish ancestry. This fact causes me to struggle from time to time, because I long to be fully Jewish, and recognized by others as such. However, I have known and loved Yeshua nearly all my life. (And He has known and loved me for much, much longer.) I will not let Him go. I don't desire to. I can't fully put into words what He is to me....

My Yeshua-faith, coupled with my ambiguous Jewish ancestry have me in a place of limbo. I know full well that mainstream Jews will never accept me as one of their own. But I feel that I am one of their own, forever. This feeling is as intractable as my Yeshua-faith.

I could convert. But, here's why I think I probably won't. My options would be to either pursue a Messianic Jewish conversion or a "mainstream" Jewish conversion (e.g., Orthodox, Conservative, or Reform). If I were to go the Messianic Jewish route, essentially nothing about my life would change. I would continue to pursue Torah as I currently do. I would not be considered a Jew by anyone outside the Messianic community. I would not have the option of making aliyah to Israel. On the other hand, if I were to go the "mainstream" route, I would be considered a Jew by almost everyone's standards (unless I underwent a Reform conversion). I would be able to make aliyah. However, in the process, I would either be asked to openly renounce Yeshua, or I would be tempted to deny Him by omission just to "get through". Bad, bad, bad.

It boils down to this: Why would I want to undergo conversion? To gain the approval and acceptance of people? To fit in? And if I did convert, would God consider me a Jew? Isn't it His opinion that matters the most?

The way I see it, my sense of identity should come first and foremost from my relationship with God through Yeshua. My sense of purpose in life should come from seeking to please Him. If this means spending my life traveling God's path in tension between Jew and non-Jew, so be it. If this means the "discomfort" of explaining to my children why we follow Yeshua and Torah although we're not exactly Jews, so be it. There is more to life than seeking to satisfy my own yearnings.

You may be in a situation similar to mine and reach an entirely different conclusion. That is between you and God. What I have written here is a message mainly for me, but I felt compelled to share it.

Shalom, friends.